Parenting Teens

Parenting teens is not easy, but we have been given the tools we need to help them negotiate this season of transition in their lives.

The teen years are not easy to negotiate.  There isn’t a manual to help you step-by-step on how to parent your teen. There is also no “one size fits all” approach.  Each young person is unique. Each family is unique. Each situation is unique. Each response is unique. Each day is different.

We have four children. When our eldest son went through puberty it was like going over a small speed bump in the road. In fact, it made me wonder what all the fuss was about with parenting teens. I had read many books on parenting and if this was how parenting a teen went, then we would be okay. It would be a breeze.

Along came our girls and suddenly the speed bump became a roller coaster ride of emotions and all that comes with being a girl becoming a woman – physical changes, emotional changes, friendship changes, interest changes, etc. It has not been an easy road, but it has been a huge learning curve.

Your teenagers can help you to mature in the areas you have yet to mature in – the pushing away from us painful, but necessary for them to discover their own unique identity as an individual. If we allow ourselves to grow in this time, we will discover that we will identify and overcome things that we fear, rejection from past friendships and relationships. When you re-assess your life during this time of your young person’s life, you can make peace with who you are too. Fix what may be the signs of past brokenness. Believe in yourself and change what still needs to change in your own life.

My husband has often told me “it’s not about you, it’s about them and what they are going through. Don’t make it about yourself. Don’t take it personally.” This is not easy, but these are wise words. Our children are in a time of transition and transition is never an easy process. So, when you are doubting your parenting methods of the past, wondering where you may have gone wrong, or how you can fix this so that your child will not hate you for the rest of their lives, hold on to this thought:

You can support your young person, by:

• giving him or her place to discover who they are
• coaching them in what is appropriate and inappropriate behaviour
• allowing them to make mistakes while they are in your care and under your roof
• give them responsibilities and teach them accountability and commitment – these are important life skills for adults, and they want us to treat them like adults rather than like little children
• praying for them and with them
• taking time to just listen to them with all their strange and radical views (these are the future leaders of families, companies, and nations, let them share their crazy reasonings with you – let them communicate with you and don’t brush them off) – even if it is at bedtime and all you want to do is close our eyes and sleep
• take them to someone if they need counselling and be brave enough to admit that you do not have all the answers to help them
• guide them by example
• family time is important, nurture it

These are just some of things that I have learned from raising my own teens. There are many more words of advice and encouragement that can be found in many books, blogs, videos and articles.

Parenting can teach us how to mature if we are willing to change with time. It teaches us how to get out of our comfort zone and see life from a different perspective, if we will allow ourselves to do so. It can bring us to a place of overcoming past issues if we open ourselves up to the process of maturing in our way of thinking.

When my children were little this verse became a revelation to me:

Lamentations 3:22-23 “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” (ESV)

I realised that just as the Lord’s mercies are new every morning toward me, my mercies toward my children should be new every morning. EVERY MORNING IS A NEW DAY. Put yesterday behind you and start on a clean slate today… that is MERCY … that is the way of LOVE.  Even if you don’t know what season, hurricane, whirlwind, eruption, or calm may emerge from their bedroom each morning, just breathe and begin afresh. Prayer is the best way to approach each day. What a gift we have been given – to fight for our children in prayer.