What happens to Mom when the kids become teenagers?

And how do you negotiate these years without feeling rejected?

The teen years for any family is a time of turmoil because your role as parent is changing and your child’s role is also changing. Where you used to make Jonny’s school lunch for him and check that he had everything in his bag, now you are expecting him to do it. Where you would get him his breakfast, he wakes up at midday, so that will not work as you have things to do and by midday, you are getting ready to eat lunch.

Interests change too. When the kids were little the family did everything together. Everyone went to the beach together. If there was shopping to do, the kids had to tag along. Everyone played boardgames together, etc. Suddenly as teenagers, they each develop their own interests, often very diverse. The interests may be very far removed from their parent’s interests, creating an even bigger change in the relationship.

Teenager’s worlds become so small that they see themselves as the centre of their universe and everything has to happen within their ideal. Life is not like they would idealise though, and as they interact with others, the rough edges will be knocked off and they will begin to change their thoughts and opinions concerning things as they see them.  As such, they tend to be ready to hash out topics for the mere purpose of pushing their opinion on others.  It is all part of learning to communicate.  At home they will be far less tactful than they most likely would be among their peers and can often come across as brash, inconsiderate and sometimes even disrespectful.

It seems as though Mom is good enough to clean the house, do the shopping, make the food, be the taxi and in some cases the bank, and she begins to feel like she has been ousted on an emotional level.

She gets told “don’t worry” – and then she wonders if she should …

Friendships whether connecting with friends personally, on a phone or via the internet are all ways that teenagers socialise. These are all important ways for them to connect with their friends. It means they spend less time with the family and more time with others or pursuing their interests.

Before the days of internet and cellphones, we had telephones and letters and of course it was easy to get together with our friends. Today it is not much different except that the technology in various forms has replaced the telephone and letter writing is in the form of an email, but with technology connecting us around the world, it is more likely to be a video chat or voice call.

Although teens would love to just laze around all day, obviously there are things that are important for them to learn. This is the time where they can learn skills like making meals, how to clean the house properly, how to use a washing machine and hang clothes on the line, how to use a dishwasher, how to iron,  how to take out the trash etc. They may be teenagers, but they are still part of the family and as such need to contribute towards the chores needing to be done.

So, even though it seems as if you are not needed, Mom, you are … in a very unique way and new way…

There should be basic rules in place and there should be consistency in following them through. Teens should be part of these discussions and it may even be helpful to have it in writing and put them up in a place where they can be referred back to when necessary.

As the providers of the family, it is reasonable that parents decide what the ground rules are and then discuss them with your teens. The teens will most likely protest, but will feel respected for being part of the decision making. 

Rules must be:

• Clear, so everybody knows where they stand.
• Where possible, agreed with the children.
• Consistent, so everyone sticks to them.
• Reasonable.
• Less restrictive as children become more responsible.

You can’t (and shouldn’t) have rules for everything. Although some issues will not be negotiable, there should be room for bargaining on others.