Nurturer to Coach

There comes a time in a parent’s life when there is a shift that needs to take place. A shift from nurturing to coaching.  It usually takes you by surprise because it is as if one day your child goes from agreeing with what you say to testing your every word, motive and instruction.

From about the age of 12/13, girls start to pull away from their mothers. Going through puberty, they are suddenly becoming a new person with all the physical, emotional and mental challenges that they experience. Suddenly Mom’s suggestions are ludicrous, outrageous and downright wrong.

You take her shopping and everything you suggest, even if she was looking at it before your comment is a definite “no”.

Mom’s particularly have a hard time dealing with this. Your precious lamb that you nurtured, loved, protected and raised as best you could has suddenly turned into a different person whom you apparently don’t know at all.

We still want to fix things for them and put a plaster on their wounds. They on the other hand want to figure things out themselves and only come to us when they don’t know how the plaster works. The key is to maintain an open relationship and let your child know that they can speak to you. And yes, if they need help, that there are people who can help.

This is a difficult time for the teenagers, and for parents, especially …. Moms. We don’t want to hold on, but we don’t necessarily know how to let go either. We see so many of the potential pitfalls, dangers and issues that could arise from their choices and we want to still protect them.

Issue #1: They don’t want us to protect them (at least not in the way that we did before).

Issue #2: They still need us (but want us to do it in stealth mode so as not smother them or for their friends to see).

Issue #3: They think they know everything but they can’t even keep their bedrooms tidy or remember to do their chores without a reminder.

How do we mother our teens? Because face it, a mother is always a mother, but there are different levels of being a mother and we need to embrace them, or little Tommy will still be living with Mommy at the age of 40.  We need to move from nurture mode (wiping noses, bedtime stories etc) to coaching them for the real world out there.

How do we coach them?

Coaching means training. Teaching them life skills, social skills etc. Coaching them to help in the kitchen, to clean their rooms, to be hospitable and to be people of integrity.

Coaching them to listen to their bodies and look after their bodies. Coaching them to prioritise things in their lives.

What does a coach do?

1. A coach makes you run around a field to warm up, whether you want to do it or not.
2. A coach gives you exercises to improve your game.
3. A coach pushes you to be the best that you can be.
4. A coach doesn’t give up on you when you don’t get it right, but finds ways to motivate you to push through the pain, the tough times and the losses.

How do you coach your teens?

1. Set some ground rules with consequences if the rules are not adhered to.

For example: Chores first, fun later – or you miss out on technology time or going to your friends.

• If we are making food – all hands on deck. This is not a restaurant or an hotel. If you don’t like the food, don’t eat it, but we cannot make individual means that appease everyone’s taste buds.
• Integrity – if you have told someone that you will do something, then you need to do it first. HONOUR IS AN IMPORTANT ATTRIBUTE.
• Responsibility is an important life lesson.
• Responsible in your personal space (room).
• Responsible in your work (school or job).
• Responsible in your duties (chores).
• Responsible in your relationships.

If your child wants to be treated like a young adult, then they need to get their priorities in order and be willing to be coached to do so.

It takes effort. It takes constant reminding.

Coaching is not easy, but it is so rewarding when the team players begin to respond to the coaching and show up for the game of life.

Ultimately we want to raise our children to be healthy, well-adjusted adults who will be able to forge a path for themselves through life and do so confidently and to the best of their ability.